Levi's Dirty Little Secret
by LittleGreenPuppy
Summary: Eren and Petra are mortal enemies in love, constantly fighting each other for Levi's affections. But what will they do when they discover Levi's little secret? Rated M for strongly suggested sexual material. (Sorry, ladies! ;) No lemon for you!)


**Disclaimer: I own nothing! If I did own Attack on Titan I wouldn't be broke...**

Eren and Petra currently sat in Erwin's office surrounded by their peers and teammates. Both wearing expressions of horrified shock. Erwin regarded them with a concerned expression just like everyone else.

"What exactly happened?" he questioned. Eren and Petra glanced at each other briefly before turning their gaze back towards Erwin.

"How… How? Is such a thing even possible…?" Eren mumbled to himself, rocking back and forth slightly. Petra, after a couple moments, finally said something. She seemed to have composed herself somewhat.

"Perhaps… it's best if you don't know…"

_-page break-_

_Earlier that day…_

Eren rushed to lunch. The sooner he got there the better his chances of getting to sit next to Captain Levi. His heart fluttered at the thought. Yes, it's true: Eren was in love with Levi. There was just something about him. The way he held himself in front of others and during pressure. His incredible good looks. He sighed dreamily before hiding his feelings behind a mask just as he got to the door to the dining room. He didn't need the whole castle talking about his feelings for Levi. Eren pushed open the doors and mentally groaned.

Petra got there first.

Petra Ral. His mortal enemy in love. Sure she may be a sweet girl but when it came to fighting for Levi's affection she was the devil. She had her heart set on Levi too and she was a formidable foe. And not just because she was actually a girl. Eren grumbled as he reluctantly took a seat next to Auruo who always got there before Petra and Eren and always sat next to Levi. Petra sent him a smile that anyone else would perceive as a friendly welcome. But Eren knew better. That was a smug smile. That smile said "Look at me! I'm winning!"

"Eren." Eren's heart skipped a beat as he heard Levi call his name.

"Y-Yes, Captain Levi?" Curse his stuttering! Levi set down his cup of tea and met him with an intimidating glare.

"I hope you didn't skimp out on any of your cleaning duties just because you were hungry." Eren smiled.

"Nope! I finished all of my cleaning duties and even some that were for this afternoon." Levi's glare lessened, slightly impressed.

"Good work." Eren took the time to send the same smile Petra had greeted him with back at her before diverting his attention back to Levi. "Of course," Levi continued. "I'll be checking after lunch to make sure that all of those rooms are clean. And if they're not…" Levi's glare returned but Eren met it with another smile.

"Alright!" He had nothing to fear after all. He had woken up extra early to do that work as perfectly as he could. Just to impress Levi.

Petra's face was that of slight panic and frustration. Why hadn't she done more cleaning today? Damn, now she had to make up for lost ground! She couldn't let this newbie take away all of her hard work. Don't get her wrong. She liked Eren and all, he just needed to know that Captain Levi was off limits! Petra had her eye on Levi well before Eren! She thought quickly of a way to make up for her losses.

"Hey, Captain?" She leaned in closer. Levi sent her a quizzical glance. "I've been trying to practice this new move I thought of, but I've been having trouble properly executing it. Do you…" She looked up at Levi from underneath her lashes and put up a gorgeously sweet smile. "Do you think you could help me with it?"

Eren openly gaped. How dare she?! That was evil! That was ruthless! That was… genius… He couldn't help the red that showed up on his cheeks from anger. He placed a hand over his face in an attempt to hide it.

"I suppose so." Levi responded casually. "But only after I check up on those rooms Eren cleaned." Petra let out a small relieved sigh. She'd bought some points back. And if training went well, she would be well ahead of Eren. At the thought of Eren, she glanced at him only for her mouth to hang open.

Levi was leaning over Eren with his hand over Eren's forehead.

Levi was touching Eren!

He had mistaken red face for him possibly being sick and was now checking to make sure. Eren's face only grew redder at the closeness.

"I-I'm fine…"

"You're really warm, brat. You should forget about practicing today to rest up." Petra was close to tears. Levi was paying so much attention to Eren! Just because his face was red! He's not even sick!

"I'm sure I could practice… I want to be the best I could be… So I can be of use to you…"

"You won't be any use to me if you don't take care of your body. Rest after lunch. That's an order." Levi removed his hand and left, Auruo following not far behind, leaving Eren and Petra alone together.

"Oh! So you're sick now, huh?" Petra frowned, slamming her hands down on the table.

"It's not my fault Levi cares about my well-being!" Eren began, smirking smugly before frowning as well. "And what about you? "Do you think you could… help me with it?"" he mimicked. "I bet you don't even have any "new move"!" Petra blushed.

"I-I'll have you know that I do have a move! And if you don't mind, I'm going to start practicing before Captain Levi gets done checking you "work"! I bet you only did a half assed job! Captain Levi will find out you know! Then you being "sick" will mean nothing to him!" She stormed out of the room before Eren could reply. Still red, Eren made his way back to his cell where Levi was already waiting.

He was leaning against the wall next to the cell door. Even in the dark light of the dungeon, Levi managed to look absolutely amazing.

"Captain!" Levi pushed himself off of the wall he was leaning against.

"You actually did a pretty decent job of cleaning those rooms." Eren blushed some more.

"T-Thank you, Sir. I was only doing my job." Levi frowned.

"Tch." He walked over, placing a hand on Eren's cheek. Eren was finding it increasingly difficult to breath. Levi's scent was overtaking his senses. "Still warm. Rest up, and if you still feel up to it later, make sure you finish cleaning the rest of your assigned rooms." His voice was soft and gentle in a way Eren didn't get to hear often. He barely had enough sense to nod before Levi left.

Eren stumbled over to his bed and collapsed on top of it. He cradled the cheek Levi had touched with his hands. Grinning like an idiot, he found it hard to calm the giddy feelings inside him.

Take that Petra!

_-page break-_

In the time it took for Levi to check on Eren and his work, Petra had managed to create a move to practice, even if it was mediocre at best. Eren had been right in accusing her of lying about that move, but she couldn't let him know that. She could not concede defeat to him!

"Oi, Petra." Petra gasped slightly and turned around.

"Captain Levi!" The sunlight reflected off of his paler skin in just the right ways.

"So what was this move you were talking about?" She flinched.

"Oh! Uh, right!" As she started her move, she couldn't help but feel self-conscious. This move wasn't worth Levi's time and she knew he was going to lecture her about that. But it was better than letting Eren win that round. With Levi paying so much attention to Eren just because he was a little warm she had to have as much time with Levi as possible. She finished, slipping at the end and falling on her back. She cursed herself for being so stupid on such a simple move.

"To be honest, that was fairly pathetic." Petra squeezed her eyes shut, preparing for the long lecture. "But." She opened her eyes. Levi had his hand held out to help her up. "With a couple of adjustments it could actually be a move worth knowing." She blushed. What a compliment! She listened intently as Levi explained what could be done to improve the move. She loved the way he talked. After explaining the method, they set about to actually preform the move.

By the end of practice, Levi was glistening from the sun hitting his sweaty skin. Petra tried not to openly stare.

"That should be enough for today. Make sure you keep practicing that, alright? It could come in handy while we're outside the walls." Levi left, muttering something about taking a bath, but Petra was too caught up in her own thoughts to dwell too much on it. She was glowing with pride and happiness.

Her couple hours with Levi had gotten her plenty of extra points. Eren's cleaning and "sickness" had nothing on that compliment!

Take that Eren!

_-page break-_

Dinner came and this time Eren got the honor of sitting next to Levi. Petra decided to sit next to Eren in hopes of bragging about her move to him.

"You seem to be doing better, Eren." Levi commented.

"Yeah, all that resting really helped. I even managed to finish my cleaning with no problem! Thanks to you." Eren smiled warmly. Petra wanted to gag. How sickeningly sweet, stroking Captain Levi's ego like that.

"Just make sure you get your practice in tomorrow. There's a new move I want to teach you and everyone else. Petra came up with it and after a few tweaks it was pretty good." Eren bit his lip as Petra glowed with pride.

She didn't even have to say anything to get the topic going! Compliments from came from everyone at the table. Even Eren managed a rather reluctant compliment. Smiling, she patted Eren on the back.

This, however, she found out was a mistake.

The action startled Eren, causing him to miss his mouth while he was taking a bite. The caused the food to instead land next to his mouth.

"Tch. Damn it, brat," Levi said, pulling out a handkerchief. "You actually manage to do a decent job cleaning this place but you can't seem to eat properly, ever." He began wiping the food of Eren's face. The other members at the table laughed at his clumsiness, but Eren couldn't find it in him to be embarrassed. Because Levi was smiling. It was small, but it was there all the same.

Petra, on the other hand, cursed herself. There go about half of the points she had earned that afternoon. Why does Levi like cleaning Eren up so much?!

The rest of the dinner went along without another incident. Petra was trying not to push her luck and Eren was too distracted by the fact that Levi had used his own handkerchief to clean him up.

_-page break-_

Later that night, Eren and Petra met up outside Levi's room. Not on purpose, mind you. They were both there for different reasons but they were there nonetheless.

"What are you doing here?" they whispered harshly at the same time.

"What am I doing?"

"None of your business!"

"Stop copying me!"

Petra sighed.

"Look, I'm here to discuss important things with Levi about my new move. The one you so quickly doubted at lunch." Eren glared.

"You got lucky. And besides." He held up a now clean handkerchief. "I'm here to return the handkerchief he so graciously used on me at dinner, clean."

"Who'd you get it to wash it for you?" Eren scoffed, insulted.

"I cleaned this on my own, thank you very much!"

"Oh, I find that hard to be—" A loud but muffled moan broke them out of their arguing. They stared at each other for a moment, shocked.

"Where did that…"

"… come from?" Another moan was heard and they looked towards where it came from.

Behind Levi's door.

Moan after moan seeped from beneath the door. Groans and pants followed. Eren and Petra could hear his labored breath. Even the slight squeaking of the bed managed to make it to their ears. They started whispering fast to each other.

"What is the Captain doing?!"

"Is he… Is he… _doing it?_"

"He can't be! … Could he?"

"But with who?!" A voice could be heard from behind Levi's door, it was low but still audible.

"Oh fuck yeah… that's right, you like that dirty shit don't you?" Eren and Petra stared at the door. If physics would have allowed it, their jaws would have hit the floor. That was Levi's voice.

"You've been working _all day_ haven't you, broom? And, duster, oh _God_ you're so _filthy_…"

Eren and Petra slowly turned back to each other, their horror mirrored on each other's faces.

What.

The.

FUCK.

"God, broom. You're so _hard_… It's sexy as _fuck_… Oh you such a dirty little bitch…"

Their fast whispering started up again.

"Are you telling me he's… _doing it_… with _cleaning supplies_?!"

"You can't be serious! How do you even…"

"Well apparently Levi found a way!"

"But it's a fucking broom and duster! And who knows what else!"

"Maybe he's not going… all the way?"

"So he's just…"

"Yeah…"

There were a couple of moments of awkward silence made extra awkward by Levi's string of huskily whispered moans.

"All you've cleaned today is that castle… I think now you should clean _my body_…"

Eren suddenly stuck his hand forward.

"Truce?"

Petra paused for a moment. Should she do it?

"Oh yeah, duster… _right… there_… Oh… _Ooooh… Goood_…."

Petra quickly grasped Eren's hand and looked him straight in the eyes.

"Truce."

_-page break-_

"Perhaps… it's best if you don't know…"

Levi smirked as he stood outside Erwin's door. Serves them right for arguing like children right outside his door. He chuckled as he walked back to his room.

Maybe, he'd tell them the truth one day.

_-page break-_

**Oh… my God…**

**What the fuck did I just write?! XD**

**Yeah, this was the product of midnight conversations with my equally (if not more than) perverted friends.**

**And yeah, in case you couldn't guess, Levi was faking the whole thing XD**

**Also, FanFiction wasn't letting me use page breaks in this story for some reason... Grr...**

**I hope you enjoyed this weird crack thing! :D And also, my first attempt at writing for Attack on Tit****an!**

**Let me know what you think!**

**:)Puppy-Chan(:**


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